Hurt Feelings/Starting over

I have discovered the when a person internalizes feelings very harmful things can happen. Personally coming to realize that letting someone have that much influence over my life has lead me down a road I thought I would never go down again. But the evidence is right in my face and cannot be denied any longer.



Starting from years back (like high school)there has been this one person that I have had feeling for, deep feelings for. But nothing has ever came of those feelings. He is well aware of my feelings and I know he has feeling for me. Through all these long years we have kept in touch with each. We live in the same small town, know most of the same people.



He was very close to my younger brother, they were best friends. And he was around alot, but after my brother was killed in a car wreck he drifted away. I understand that.



There has always been a love-hate relationship between us. What we did best was argue. there was always an argument going on between him and me. I love the friction and heat that would be set off by a really good a fight with him. I loved it and so did he. I could tell cause he kept coming back for more. Anyway this has been our relationship all through the years. We would have a big blow up and stop speaking to each for sometime months at a time, but the relationship was such that it only made us closer to each other.



But recently in our last big blow up (last December in fact) this was a fight over the phone, he revealed something to me that I had never thought of before. I don't know if what he said was because he was really angry (that argument was a really intense one) and he was trying to get back at me for some of the things I was saying. You know when you are hurt by someone you try to hit back by saying what you know will hurt them in turn the most. And some of the things he said to me cut me so deep that I could feel my heart cracking. I know he knew that what he was saying to me was hurting me because right after he said it he got really quiet. I had tears filling my eyes and I couldn't fight back after that, so I just didn't say anything else. He started talking again in a quieter voice about how things have been between us and how things would never be between us and more stuff like that. I just hung up the phone. We haven't spoken or accidentally run into each another at the wal-mart.




Today I can see now how I let a phone conversation and the crumbling of a love-hate relationship send me down a road that I swore I would never go down again.

I let the threat of losing a job that I loved working at the 4 years and living in a place that I hated at the time (a bad neighborhood) and the argument with someone I have been in love with since high school send me right back where I never wanted to go ever again. Some 20 pounds overweight. Turns out that I'm a comfort food eater. who know??

So now I find myself needing to start all over again. I had been so proud of myself for keeping the weight off the over 3 years. Then to sabotage myself is depressing in itself, but see that I must pull myself up out of this rut I'm in and get back to grind of 'loosing weight 'again.

I have to decided to keep this blog/diary of my journey back to finding my old self esteem and great outlook on life. I know God had not brought me this far to leave me now. I am starting a new online business (I love crafts) Im putting the finishing touches on my book that Im writing and It looks like a new weight loss routine is in order as well. So I plan to write everything down to keep myself on track..

more to come